Birthday Feels

Birthday Feels

Sometimes when I’m feeling sad about the cards that Brody has been dealt, I press my face against his, close my eyes and wonder what life would have been like for him if he didn’t have disabilities. It usually involves a few sneaky tears. And then he laughs (or head butts me) and I pull myself out of it.


I don’t do this very often anymore, but I admit I venture back into that zone every year when his birthday comes around. It’s a bit like an annual reminder that Brody is physically one age, but cognitively another.


A time when those annoying ‘what ifs’ and worries that I try to keep at arm’s length work their way upwards and remind me that Brody’s life will always be different – harder – and that I wish I could make it easier for him.


A time when I am second guessing what to get him as a present and feeling guilty in case he understands the occasion and is disappointed that I got it wrong.


A time when I dread the moment someone else blows out his birthday candles once again (although his two-year old sister is innocently looking forward to her role in playing this part).


And a time when I feel hugely guilty for every negative thought that enters my mind on what is really a time to celebrate.


Because there is so much to celebrate. I am wasting time on that other stuff.


Tomorrow my boy turns six and I’m so proud of him. Friday 13th January 2012 definitely wasn’t unlucky for us. We are incredibly lucky.

He has taught us so much.


Unconditional love.


What we’re made of.


What he’s made of (determination, humour and endless snacks in case you’re wondering).


Who we can count on (and how great they are).


And that it’s the simple things that really matter – not the material or trivial (although I sometimes need to remind my overanxious brain of the latter).


I’m grateful that he’s healthy.


I’m grateful for every smile and laugh.


I’m grateful that we can celebrate tomorrow with him – and all of the other days we’re fortunate to have.


And I am grateful that he is ours.


Perfectly imperfect.


Our perfect boy.



  1. Charlie Beswick
    January 14, 2018 / 11:06 am

    Gorgeous!! I totally relate to this and used to have flashbacks to my boys birth every year for the first 6 or so years. I would just dissolve into tears and then slowly it left me. I dont know how or when and like you say, it rears its head every now and then but generally I count my blessings and not our problems nowadays. Great post. Happy birthday Brody <3

    • Laura Rutherford
      January 14, 2018 / 6:25 pm

      Thanks lovely, appreciate it xxx

  2. January 14, 2018 / 11:38 am

    Oh I agree, there are definitely so many extra emotions around birthday times. Hope the birthday went well! x

    • Laura Rutherford
      January 14, 2018 / 6:25 pm

      Thanks Steph xx

  3. January 14, 2018 / 12:01 pm

    I hope Brody had a lovely birthday. Perfectly imperfect….love that ?❤

    • Laura Rutherford
      January 14, 2018 / 6:27 pm

      Thanks Lisa xxx

  4. JJ
    January 14, 2018 / 6:36 pm

    Love the words “Perfectly imperfect” …hope he had a lovely day…birthdays raise so many emotions over the years. Xxx

    • Laura Rutherford
      January 15, 2018 / 9:08 pm

      Thanks so much x

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