The First Step

The First Step

Somewhere along the line in my parenting journey I lost a lot of confidence and gained a shit load of anxiety.


Despite being a beautiful soul, Brody is unpredictable and has no danger awareness. Because of this, there have been many heart-in-mouth moments for me over the past six years. Thanks to the trusty helicopter parenting technique, he has thankfully had a lot more near misses than accidents. But I’m only human and sometimes I’m take my eye off of the ball for a second or I’m not quick enough. And it that second, anything could happen.


The thought of exactly that – what could happen in that second – is all-consuming.


I hate to admit it, but I feel anxious taking Brody out on my own. My fear, coupled with my annoying, need-to-get-over-it, ability to get upset/angry/uncomfortable/sad at strangers with their looks and occasional comments – is not a good combo.


When Sydney came along three years ago, I knew I would struggle to do things on my own with them both. Partly because of my anxiety and partly because I knew that I would be unable to keep them both safe, which of course is paramount.


So when flying solo, I became a bit of a stuck at home mum. I could handle this but it admittedly stung if people would question my reasoning for not doing things on my own with them both. We live in a house comparable to Fort Knox where I can actually sit down and breath. My kids are both safe. There’s literally no place like home.

One of my favourite cushions. If you don’t laugh, etc.

My going out motto is power in numbers. If someone else is there, everything just feels doable.


The wheelchair and the buggy.


The Brody meltdowns and the Sydney toddler tantrums.


The unpredictable behaviour.


The ability of one and the inability of another.


The stares and the judgement (admittedly sometimes all in my head).


My overthinking, overanalysing brain.


I can read this back and think that I sound like a ridiculous, shit mum. And I can read it back and think that I sound perfectly reasonable, my feelings justified.


I’m not sure which is true. But I know I’m limited on the number of those who will get what I’m on about.


It has chipped away at me.


Whether I’m just not very good at being their mum as I want to be.


Why sometimes others appear to manage and I don’t (maybe they don’t either).


But today, I took a leap of faith, it paid off and I felt amazing.


Two weeks into the Scottish summer holidays, I decided to let go of my fears and take a trip to the supermarket (trust me, I’m aware of how ridiculous this sounds).


I didn’t risk walking into the store with them both and the specialist trolley not being available (good job, it wasn’t) and I put Brody into his wheelchair whilst Sydney walked. She complied. He complied. And we even found baskets with long handles and wheels at the entrance that could be pulled along. Ha, a sign!


We came, we bought and we conquered.


All of a sudden I feel like maybe this will get easier.


All of a sudden I feel like I will get my confidence back.


All of a sudden I feel like I will stop doubting – myself, others, our situation – and every now again, I will take that leap of faith and it will be okay.


“You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step” (Martin Luther King Jr).



  1. July 12, 2018 / 11:43 pm

    So so proud of you! I remember this very same thing with my two. It DOES get easier. You CAN do this. You are amazing!

    • Laura Rutherford
      July 14, 2018 / 11:22 am

      Thanks Miriam. Can only imagine what it’s like having twins, you’re a hero! Xx

  2. Bridget Gross
    July 13, 2018 / 5:49 am

    You’re doing a great job. My daughter is 26 now. Kayla has cerbral palsy, seizures, hydrocephalus and anxiety. I to was scared to death going anywhere with her and her year older sister when they were younger. People would stare, make comments and kayla was aware it broke my heart. We even stopped going to the playground. I suffered from anxiety, depression, PTSD and so on. However, kayla is the happiest girl now because I stopped caring what others thought and took her out every where I could . Keep your head up you doing great.

    • Laura Rutherford
      July 14, 2018 / 11:24 am

      Thanks so much Bridget. Means a lot. Lots of love to you all xxxx

  3. July 13, 2018 / 12:08 pm

    Sending massive massive love. My Sydney is 6 now, Sam is 7. It’s definitely easier now. In the time between them being too big for the double buggy and now, I never took them anywhere together other than the Krispy Kreme Diner. (I knew I could park right by the door there and get them in and out safely). This summer, things have improved massively. Sam’s understanding has improved, Syd’s tantrums have decreased and she understands that Sam’s needs are different to her’s.
    Hang in there! X

    • Laura Rutherford
      July 14, 2018 / 11:25 am

      Thanks so much Tina. Means a lot. Having two close in age must have been extra tricky. Tons of love xx

  4. July 14, 2018 / 3:43 am

    One step at a time. I focus on one day at a time, one thing at a time. Anxiety is crippling my lovely. You are a brave person. Remember “a journey starts with a single step”. There are a whole heap of people that support you. X

    • Laura Rutherford
      July 14, 2018 / 11:25 am

      Thanks so much Lyn. Appreciate it xxx

  5. July 14, 2018 / 7:34 am

    It doesn’t sound ridiculous at all. I’m flying solo this weekend and have to plan each outing to the nth degree. A quick trip to the shop is usually a no-no unless I’m with someone else. Well done for conquering the supermarket!

    • Laura Rutherford
      July 14, 2018 / 11:26 am

      Thanks so much Lizzie. I really hope your weekend goes well and is smooth sailing xxx

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